“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.