My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Banking tips
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”