boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
All is fair in drunk and war.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber