“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Unimpressed
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.