“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Is your wife single?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Tremendous stuff
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something