[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department