a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
necessity is the mother of invention
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding