Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
You Might Also Like
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.