Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow