Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
broke down and did it
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
good let them take over I have had enough
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!