When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.