What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
You Might Also Like
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird