What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS