What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.