@omgthatspunny: What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
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@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@notacroc: [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
@FrankCurtisB: When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.