There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Happens to everyone.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??