What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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Weirdos gonna weird.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.