@TheBoydP: What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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@Boleyngirly: Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@canadian_egg: When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.
@maurex23: WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore. EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear-- CEO: you're fired.