@BatBatshitcrazy: What's it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it's called alcohol.
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@TheNaique: Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.