What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Lmao the reply
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets