@BatBatshitcrazy: What's it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it's called alcohol.
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@BoomBoomBetty: [seductively takes off mom jeans] Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii— Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college] Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]