What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
You Might Also Like
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
are there any atheist mantises?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?