“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
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nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim