What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Get in loser we’re going crying
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
goldfish mafia
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.