What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Catering service
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches