@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard! Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too! Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
@CherBear162: "Remember Robert from work?" Yeah..he was a douche. "He died." WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"