@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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@PaperWash: Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy Judge: what's upsexy? [lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
@FatherWithTwins: Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says "choose your destiny" so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
@MarioInAZ: Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.