What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.