what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Breaking news:
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.