A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.