What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath