What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I want to meet the individual who made this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Terribly Tuesday.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.