What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager