@PanicRestroom: What's the name of that Adam Sandler's movie were he plays an immature adult?
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@mrbuster60: "My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: No matter what you do in life, I'll always be there for you. Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
@MikeDrucker: Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.