What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.