What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.