@ericONEderful: What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
@Shower4Thought: One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.