What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.