@ericONEderful: What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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@jamieramone: It's the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
@Bownuggets: Hate it when I can't find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
@david8hughes: [phone rings] "We've removed your son's missing picture from our milk cartons." "You found him?" "No, people stopped buying milk."