What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
this post was so formative to me
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Smooooooth
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Customize Your Wedding.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”