What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*pronounces fake like saké*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Muppet Screams
welp
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?