“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”