@TuffyNyC: What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don't even wanna talk to the living.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I know you're not supposed to question doctors, but it's weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@sad_tree: [getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot] "I know you're not really an armadillo"
@jakob_huber: *meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime