What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Only a mother’s love …
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.