Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The French word for sex is croissant.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February