What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
You Might Also Like
So we got a goldfish…
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
How software testing works
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Happy birthday to all the women
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.