A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
so weird how every mom was born today
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.