*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
SPLOOT
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.