“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Selfie
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*