cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
broke down and did it
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me