“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It鈥檚 all about listening to your body
My body: I鈥檓 begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what鈥檚 that? More cheese?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I鈥檝e been buying men鈥檚 hoodies for years for myself. It鈥檚 all about skipping the middle man.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: why aren鈥檛 you studying?
My kid: I didn鈥檛 see you coming.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Hey don鈥檛 get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Remember folks 馃槀
Husband: You鈥檙e ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You know you鈥檙e the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son鈥檚 room and tell him it鈥檚 raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Biden: I wonder if I鈥檒l still get free ice cream when I鈥檓 no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About