@Whitnuts: CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU'RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@ShortSleeveSuit: Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly! Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on...

@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

@Julian_Deane: Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

@AnOrangeSNES: A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. "How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?" he asks with a large smile on his face.