What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Succinctly put.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again