[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.