Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
repaired
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!