wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*lint rolls you awake*
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me