wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Are we there yet?…