My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Called it
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.