When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Sooo many times…..
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Only short people can save us